Thinking then writing Life away...

chetkg85 @ 2009-04-21T22:02:00

2009-04-22T05:03:16Z

These variable spurts of being ok to feeling lousy is getting annoying. However, I feel like I'm starting to see how things truly are now...and it's sad.

Anyways, I just need some change in my life.

chetkg85 @ 2009-04-20T20:33:00

2009-04-21T03:34:45Z

Well, what's done is done. I sent her everything I had to send her. Supposedly she is to write me back ASAP...which for her, may be in a month to never. Oh well. My memories of her are probably the memories for a different person at this point anyways.

What will it take, to make this feeling go away...?

2009-04-13T04:52:13Z

I feel so miserable...because I miss Michelle...because she really was my bestfriend, and I made the ultimate mistake of feeling anything much more for her...I want to fight for our friendship, but what's there left? She won't reply to me...ever...and the only thing I can think of is trying to see her at work, bring a yellow rose or something friendly, and well...somehow that seems wrong to do that to her. So what do I do? Live the rest of my life regretting and yearning for my friendship with someone who I am starting to think I remember differently? Everything else in my life is pretty much great! Why this? She was supposed to be at my graduation, be excited once I got into medical school, and...now, nothing. Empty. I want to break down. Yet, I can't. I have too much to live for...

How sad is it...when I am trying to fight for it even now...and she won't reply a thing. Not even a "Leave me alone." I even left a message, asking for lunch to plead my case. I'm deleting my old Myspace messages, and as I read through the messages between us from 2006, I can't believe this has happened...and I can't get myself to delete those messages. I have never felt weaker.

I think maybe I need to see a psychiatrist...Help. I don't know what else to do!

April 1st, Mid-Spring Break

2009-04-02T00:55:41Z

Semi-good day....

I met up with my friend Eddie. We met during my summer program at UCLA three years ago, and we've stayed in touch because we have so many similar values and interests. He just got from Santa Cruz, so we went to the gym, worked out, and then grabbed lunch before heading back to my house for a few hours of video games. Man, this really sounds like a man-date, huh? Haha.

Anyways, the day was only semi-good and not entirely good because my Dad was being pissy and complaining about finances again. Aside from that, I saw Michelle as Eddie and I were driving back from L&L...and I ended up messaging her on Facebook...just a simple, "Hi, how are you? I'm going to med school, thanks for your support for those years prior, and I don't know what happened to us after we decided to maintain our friendship a year ago, bye." It makes me feel so weak to have done that. At the same time, I feel like I needed to, to get it of my chest. I miss my friendship with her...I keep hoping for the day where I can move past it. It's sad that I ruined so much.

March 30th, Another Spring Break Day

2009-03-31T03:47:47Z

The thing about Spring Break for me is that it's not really a break. It's a period where I catch up or take care of other things that I have put off until now.

Today consisted a very good, very tiring, very gruesome work out. In fact, I might've hurt my lower back...
There's this one guy who is always there when I am, buff dude, a little short. I think he's made me his rival? He got in my way twice today, during one of my routines! You couldn't even miss me, because I was in the center of the weightroom, doing a combo set. I shake my fist at him! I feel better thinking that I'm healthy...he's just juiced.

After a nap, I helped my Mom string up some multi-colored Buddhist flags in the yard. They're supposed to bring blessing to the house the more that the wind blows them. Prior to this, my Mom had a mini breakdown. My Dad seems to be really stressing her out by complaining about me. I don't care what my Dad says at this point to me, or what he complains about me. However, my Mom is bothered by it. I tell her to forget it and let him complain, but she won't listen. Not sure what I can do about it. Maybe she does need to see a psychologist for possible depression...? I don't even want to think about it. It bothers me to think I'll be leaving them both down here when I move up north. What's going to happen?

Other than these thoughts, I was able to work on the Blackboard site for the Health Professions Office for Fullerton. After that, I worked on my scholarship essay, so fingers-crossed. I'm just trying to decide whether to read, play games, or draw. I need to try and build a shed for my Mom this week, and make an appointment for a physical (one of my requirements for matriculation). Other than that, I hope Teeny and I can start our tennis games soon! ;)

03/29/2009, 1st Day of Spring Break of my last Undergrad Semester

2009-03-30T04:56:06Z

So, here's what I hope to be the first of a series of regular entries. I'm going to treat this as a "Day 1" type of deal...

My undergraduate career is now coming to a close. My time at El Camino Community College felt like it dragged because I was so unfocused. When I got to Fullerton, it went by so quick! Two years of volunteering, researching, studying, being mentored, then becoming a mentor, becoming a member in the health club to becoming an officer...now I'm in charge of fixing both the Blackboard site for the Health Professions Office and for the website. No wonder it went by so fast!

Coming Fall, I start medical school. Everything I have been striving for since, actually, only three years, is about to hit the window. I know I am blessed and lucky to have gotten in my first time around, especially given my grades and my MCAT scores. I shouldn't really question it, but sometimes I can't help but be scared. I can't help but wonder if I can really do this. Am I intellectually capable of handling this kind of material? Can I retain it all and become a good doctor? Beyond that, if I do become a doctor, how can I avoid the indifference so many doctors have for their patients? I'll just have to wait and see, let come what may, and just handle it.

Aside from all of that, I have had a lot of free time since the semester started. I have one online course (Human Development) and one on campus (Medical Ethics). I can do better in the latter. Being my last semester, I have gotten lazy in the study department. I probably have a B or +B in the class as of now. Every Tuesday is research day for me, where I am in my lab, working on my Citrate Synthase Assays (taking anywhere from 6-10 hours/day!!!). Other than that, I have not much else to do. I only work one day a week, thanks to the economy. It's too hard to find a second job right now, especially when I would be quitting it in a couple of months.

On the plus side, I have been on a serious weight loss regime. I still lift weights, but I do much more cardio than I am used to. I have the time for it and a beautiful Recreation center to use, so why not? I go three days a week, and I want to start running or doing some kind of cardio in between those days. I'm trying to work on the abs more...Mel likes abs. I don't really have any. Of course, what Mel likes is abstinence. Damn. So...I work out for myself now, rather than her. Because, really, what's the freaking point?! Sorry...I'm a frustrated guy, and working out is actually making me more..."friskier." Ugh.

I'm also drawing more. Nothing posted...nothing worth posting. I feel like I never have anything good drawn, but I think I will start posting some stuff up soon. Just because.

I want to live life more. By that I mean to be more aware of my surroundings. I tend to just let things go by without really respecting them or really "seeing" them. I don't appreciate things. I would like to go out with my friends more, but because of this, I have come to realize I have either lost my close friends or I am not really considered a close fried to go out with (?) Did that make sense? Anyways, I am very limited as to who has time and can actually hang out with me. I don't want to travel alone either...

Well, that's enough for now. No specific thoughts tonight...I'll finish the night with some gaming...or drawing, one or the other. Always back to old ways. Good night all.

chetkg85 @ 2009-03-12T21:23:00

2009-03-13T04:23:32Z

I have goals in life and I have the path right in front of me.

I don't think I have any friends in life.

Wow, people still post on here?

2009-02-24T05:42:19Z

I'm going to med school!

chetkg85 @ 2008-07-21T20:20:00

2008-07-22T03:25:47Z

Another day of wallowing and doing absolutely nothing. Why am I in such a slump and why can I not pull myself out of it?

One of the things that bothers me the most, is feeling like I don't belong anywhere. I feel like I don't have a single person in my life who would be willing to go their all for me...and maybe I'm being weak in wanting something like that. Yet, I know I strive to be someone like that...

I don't know...I have such a headache...

chetkg85 @ 2008-07-20T21:22:00

2008-07-21T04:47:11Z

Lately, I have been feeling irritated. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the waiting, everyday, to hear something, anything, from the med schools that I applied to. Maybe it's the lack of anything productive in my life. Or maybe it's the lack of friends. I have a headache...and I called in sick for tomorrow and I know I shouldn't have. I have felt unusually drained, physically. I don't know what's happening right now.

chetkg85 @ 2008-07-04T23:02:00

2008-07-05T06:03:10Z

I...am not doing so well...

chetkg85 @ 2008-02-17T19:21:00

2008-02-18T03:26:45Z

When I see photos of my friends drinking/drunk, I feel...lonely.
When I see photos of my girlfriend drinking/drunk, I feel...lonelier.
I feel left out, and I wonder what am I missing. Then I know that I would never forgive myself if I partook in that "social" activity. I never understood why you all do it. I never understood what was the point. I don't think I'll ever understand why. I don't ever think I'll ever stop feeling lonely.

I tell myself I am working hard and pushing myself to pursue a passion that is supposed to give me meaning, and elevate myself into something substantial. Something meaningful, something fulfilled. I have a feeling that even if I reach it...I'll still feel lonely...

I hope I find something that makes everything I believe in and everything I try to do worth it all. Because right now, nothing seems worth it.

chetkg85 @ 2008-02-05T22:08:00

2008-02-06T06:10:04Z

Day started out good...oh well.

chetkg85 @ 2008-02-03T06:50:00

2008-02-03T14:51:43Z

I hate who it only takes one person to completely destroy my mindset and hold me down. Why can't I just stop caring? I've tried to convince myself of it with sound argument...so why? I need focus...and I need to stop caring...

chetkg85 @ 2008-02-02T22:12:00

2008-02-03T06:13:23Z

I feel...ridiculously...lonely.

chetkg85 @ 2008-01-08T22:20:00

2008-01-09T06:21:37Z

Ah, I need to sit down and clear my head. It's like I just kind of floating. I need something to anchor to and focus my energies on. Help.

chetkg85 @ 2007-11-29T08:03:00

2007-11-29T16:03:56Z

It's becoming harder and harder to focus on school and not let my relationships bug me and depress me....I don't know what to do...

chetkg85 @ 2007-11-16T07:47:00

2007-11-16T15:48:20Z

I get sudden attacks of misery...it's an on and off thing...

chetkg85 @ 2007-11-13T20:57:00

2007-11-14T04:59:49Z

I'm not so much confused as I am...undecisive I guess? I'm pretty tired, but that doesn't really matter. I'm not doing well this semester..I bit off more than I should have. Now I need to focus...but it's a tad hard...

chetkg85 @ 2007-11-11T23:44:00

2007-11-12T07:46:20Z

In my moments of weakness, I have to slow my mind down and remember what it is I am pursuing...and to try and belittle those people and things that bring me down...even if they don't mean to...

chetkg85 @ 2007-11-08T23:00:00

2007-11-09T07:03:38Z

In times where everything seems to pile up and weigh you down, and drama and sadness, doubt and anger are prevalent and happiness seems fleeting...these are the times that test us. So...stand against it together. Support one another and stay strong.

I feel weak because I can't help everyone...how I wish I was Superman...

chetkg85 @ 2007-09-30T09:37:00

2007-09-30T16:39:37Z

Sometimes you want to tell your friends when you really feel like crap and there are things running through your head that you wish weren't there. Sometimes, however, you need to just suck it in and tell yourself,"This is YOUR problem. Suck it up and handle it."

I guess it's that kinda sometime.

chetkg85 @ 2007-09-14T07:17:00

2007-09-14T14:18:58Z

I don't know what I should do...I just don't know...

Some people say,"Hey, at least your ok, that's the main thing," in regards to my accident. I'm thinking, "I guess...but if something worse had happened? Could it have been a blessing i disguise..?"

chetkg85 @ 2007-09-13T20:41:00

2007-09-14T03:44:03Z

I'm not sure if I want a break or not.
Mel's confused as well.

But I think we both know that'd be the right thing.

As for Michelle, I'm not gonna worry about her. She claims she wants to talk in order to save our friendship, but she really makes no effort to.

I'm confused as what to do with Melody and I. I'm trying, as it stands now, to make things work.

Oh, and I got in a car accident on the 91E today. Yay. Poor car, the entire front bumper is gone.

chetkg85 @ 2007-09-11T18:35:00

2007-09-12T01:35:54Z

Now...would be a good time to do something bad to myself...