Thinking · then · writing · Life · away...

I feel so miserable...because I miss Michelle...because she really was my bestfriend, and I made the ultimate mistake of feeling anything much more for her...I want to fight for our friendship, but what's there left? She won't reply to me...ever...and the only thing I can think of is trying to see her at work, bring a yellow rose or something friendly, and well...somehow that seems wrong to do that to her. So what do I do? Live the rest of my life regretting and yearning for my friendship with someone who I am starting to think I remember differently? Everything else in my life is pretty much great! Why this? She was supposed to be at my graduation, be excited once I got into medical school, and...now, nothing. Empty. I want to break down. Yet, I can't. I have too much to live for...

How sad is it...when I am trying to fight for it even now...and she won't reply a thing. Not even a "Leave me alone." I even left a message, asking for lunch to plead my case. I'm deleting my old Myspace messages, and as I read through the messages between us from 2006, I can't believe this has happened...and I can't get myself to delete those messages. I have never felt weaker.

I think maybe I need to see a psychiatrist...Help. I don't know what else to do!

Semi-good day....

I met up with my friend Eddie. We met during my summer program at UCLA three years ago, and we've stayed in touch because we have so many similar values and interests. He just got from Santa Cruz, so we went to the gym, worked out, and then grabbed lunch before heading back to my house for a few hours of video games. Man, this really sounds like a man-date, huh? Haha.

Anyways, the day was only semi-good and not entirely good because my Dad was being pissy and complaining about finances again. Aside from that, I saw Michelle as Eddie and I were driving back from L&L...and I ended up messaging her on Facebook...just a simple, "Hi, how are you? I'm going to med school, thanks for your support for those years prior, and I don't know what happened to us after we decided to maintain our friendship a year ago, bye." It makes me feel so weak to have done that. At the same time, I feel like I needed to, to get it of my chest. I miss my friendship with her...I keep hoping for the day where I can move past it. It's sad that I ruined so much.

The thing about Spring Break for me is that it's not really a break. It's a period where I catch up or take care of other things that I have put off until now.

Today consisted a very good, very tiring, very gruesome work out. In fact, I might've hurt my lower back...
There's this one guy who is always there when I am, buff dude, a little short. I think he's made me his rival? He got in my way twice today, during one of my routines! You couldn't even miss me, because I was in the center of the weightroom, doing a combo set. I shake my fist at him! I feel better thinking that I'm healthy...he's just juiced.

After a nap, I helped my Mom string up some multi-colored Buddhist flags in the yard. They're supposed to bring blessing to the house the more that the wind blows them. Prior to this, my Mom had a mini breakdown. My Dad seems to be really stressing her out by complaining about me. I don't care what my Dad says at this point to me, or what he complains about me. However, my Mom is bothered by it. I tell her to forget it and let him complain, but she won't listen. Not sure what I can do about it. Maybe she does need to see a psychologist for possible depression...? I don't even want to think about it. It bothers me to think I'll be leaving them both down here when I move up north. What's going to happen?

Other than these thoughts, I was able to work on the Blackboard site for the Health Professions Office for Fullerton. After that, I worked on my scholarship essay, so fingers-crossed. I'm just trying to decide whether to read, play games, or draw. I need to try and build a shed for my Mom this week, and make an appointment for a physical (one of my requirements for matriculation). Other than that, I hope Teeny and I can start our tennis games soon! ;)

So, here's what I hope to be the first of a series of regular entries. I'm going to treat this as a "Day 1" type of deal...

My undergraduate career is now coming to a close. My time at El Camino Community College felt like it dragged because I was so unfocused. When I got to Fullerton, it went by so quick! Two years of volunteering, researching, studying, being mentored, then becoming a mentor, becoming a member in the health club to becoming an officer...now I'm in charge of fixing both the Blackboard site for the Health Professions Office and for the website. No wonder it went by so fast!

Coming Fall, I start medical school. Everything I have been striving for since, actually, only three years, is about to hit the window. I know I am blessed and lucky to have gotten in my first time around, especially given my grades and my MCAT scores. I shouldn't really question it, but sometimes I can't help but be scared. I can't help but wonder if I can really do this. Am I intellectually capable of handling this kind of material? Can I retain it all and become a good doctor? Beyond that, if I do become a doctor, how can I avoid the indifference so many doctors have for their patients? I'll just have to wait and see, let come what may, and just handle it.

Aside from all of that, I have had a lot of free time since the semester started. I have one online course (Human Development) and one on campus (Medical Ethics). I can do better in the latter. Being my last semester, I have gotten lazy in the study department. I probably have a B or +B in the class as of now. Every Tuesday is research day for me, where I am in my lab, working on my Citrate Synthase Assays (taking anywhere from 6-10 hours/day!!!). Other than that, I have not much else to do. I only work one day a week, thanks to the economy. It's too hard to find a second job right now, especially when I would be quitting it in a couple of months.

On the plus side, I have been on a serious weight loss regime. I still lift weights, but I do much more cardio than I am used to. I have the time for it and a beautiful Recreation center to use, so why not? I go three days a week, and I want to start running or doing some kind of cardio in between those days. I'm trying to work on the abs more...Mel likes abs. I don't really have any. Of course, what Mel likes is abstinence. Damn. So...I work out for myself now, rather than her. Because, really, what's the freaking point?! Sorry...I'm a frustrated guy, and working out is actually making me more..."friskier." Ugh.

I'm also drawing more. Nothing posted...nothing worth posting. I feel like I never have anything good drawn, but I think I will start posting some stuff up soon. Just because.

I want to live life more. By that I mean to be more aware of my surroundings. I tend to just let things go by without really respecting them or really "seeing" them. I don't appreciate things. I would like to go out with my friends more, but because of this, I have come to realize I have either lost my close friends or I am not really considered a close fried to go out with (?) Did that make sense? Anyways, I am very limited as to who has time and can actually hang out with me. I don't want to travel alone either...

Well, that's enough for now. No specific thoughts tonight...I'll finish the night with some gaming...or drawing, one or the other. Always back to old ways. Good night all.